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Submitted on
June 16, 2013
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戦場に
壊れた武器で
潔く
両手で襲う
知らぬ自分を

Senjou ni
Kowareta buki de
Isagiyoku
Ryoute de osou
Shiranu jibun wo

On the battlefield
With a broken weapon
Manly
Both-handedly attacks
Unknown self
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:iconpagodacomics:
PagodaComics Jun 22, 2013  Student General Artist
I don't know why but it touches me somehow. Maybe how it starts out as an image where you think of a huge battlefield and seems like the "last resort" when you are doomed to die but keep fighting anyway, then all of a sudden you place this all INSIDE with the last line and all of a sudden you make the reader stop and think it through again in the way is almost "all what you knew was wrong"... And it just gets an additional Buddhist meaning, how people all suffering comes from ignorance, not-knowing. I think you pulled this out wonderfully!
AH sorry for writing down again what you already told in a few effective words, I just tried to put into words why it captures me, I just love how you make it upside down in the last row! =)
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:iconzetsuboudahlia:
I'm really glad you feel this way about my tanka. I love reading comments like this, I can know what people liked in my poems. Thank you very much :)
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:iconpagodacomics:
PagodaComics Jul 4, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm glad you appreciate then! =)
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:iconjaymack15:
jaymack15 Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like the way you made the vagueness of the poem work. However, I must say, it does need a bit more length. It starts out good; when I read it, it entices me to read more. And that's where the downside is - there is no more to read. The poem feels like a great beginning and nothing more. After you finish reading it you feel like there needs to be more, like its missing something.
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:iconzetsuboudahlia:
Thank you. About length, it's a tanka poem, a Japanese form of poetry, which has a specific writing format. Each verse must have respectively 5-7-5-7-7 morae (kind of syllabes, but their not), so I can't make it longer. Another feature in this form of poetry is it's simplicity and minimalism. The point is to convey a message, sometimes a whole story in such a short poem. The feeling of something missing is often desired in tanka. Due to it's length, reader has to imagine the scenery, situation, whole background of the poem himself, based of the few words, often unfinished thoughts - that's why I love tanka.
Thank you very much once more for your comment :)
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:iconjaymack15:
jaymack15 Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, I see. I was aware of tanka poems but I didn't know how they were supposed to be formed. Keep writing them - based on the comments, your viewers love what you do as much as you.
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:iconzetsuboudahlia:
I will :) Thank you.
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:iconjaymack15:
jaymack15 Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime.
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:iconenrico-ors-91:
enrico-ors-91 Jun 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Deeply epic.
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